Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike
Sat Jan 22, 2005 at 04:21:10 pm EST
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Lair Legion/Avengers Continues...
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Lair Legion/Avengers #?



“Chaos is Come Again”




Mr. Epitome had hoped once he resigned from the Lair Legion that his missions would no longer be tainted by the more unconventional natures of the Parodyverse.

He was wrong.

“Mr. Epitome, Captain America, Cap, Epitome,” CrazySugarFreakBoy! introduced the two star spangled super agents. The two shook hands.

“Hello,” the Living Legend said warmly.

Epitome’s greeting was less so, “Captain Rogers.”

Cap seemed taken aback by the salutation. CSFB! was perturbed.

“You and I need to talk,” he told the Paragon of Power, “Now.”

Once ensconced in the Lair Legion laundry room Dream began his harangue, “You do not go blabbing a man’s secret identity for all the world to hear! That is a strict violation of the superhero code!”

Epitome resisted the urge to roll his eyes, “This is ridiculous. These Avengers are fictional characters. If someone wanted to learn their secret identities, they only need to pick up one of those comic books you are so addicted to.”

“You are not going to spoil this for me, Epitome. We’re getting a chance to team up with Earth’s Mightiest Heroes- again- and I’m not about to let you harsh my buzz.”

“Believe me, once I am done with my meeting with Sir Mumphrey I will leave you to your deluded farce.”

“Great. Though you’d probably learn something if you stick around. Cap’s an example of a true patriot.”

“Your Captain America is no more a true example of patriotism than Yankee Doodle. He is a writer’s construct,” Mr. Epitome retorted calmly.

CSFB! looked angry, “Bet you wouldn’t say that to his face. And anyway, how can you say they’re fictional? Are you such a liar you can’t even believe your own eyes?”

“Clearly, they exist. But I refuse to accept they are the flesh and blood incarnations of a publishing company’s intellectual property. It is far more likely the “Avengers” are part of some Byzantine plot, one most probably launched by your hooded friend.”

“You think the Hoodily Hood is behind this?” Dream’s eyes brightened, “That would be so kewl! I wonder what Avengers’ baddie he’s teamed up with? Loki? Immortus? Kang?”

“Let me leave you to your mystery,” the Paragon of Power strode past CSFB! while he contemplated the myriad options of a Super Villain Team Up, “I have real work to do.”

*****


“That briefing on the whereabouts of Balefire is going to have to wait, Dominic me lad,” Sir Mumphrey Wilton announced as he bustled about his office, “Our guests have detected a bit of a loose end from their last adventure, one that’s come to roost in our own balliwick. Some of their universe’s most powerful knick knacks are littering the Parodyverse, and it’s our job to gather them up.”

Mr. Epitome sighed, “Sir Mumphrey, I don’t think I need to remind you that I am no longer a member of the Lair Legion.”

“Of course not, son. This old sod hasn’t gone completely dim, what? Still, I wouldn’t expect you to desert us in a time of need, when someone with your skills could be of use. That kind of behavior would be right unsporting.”

Dominic Clancy considered the eccentric Englishman, “What do you need me to do, sir?”

*****


The elaborately costumed Jack of Hearts looked bored, “We could have been there and back by now, if you had let me carry you.”

From the pilot’s chair of the airship that bore his name Mr. Epitome shook his head, “I have no inclination to cling to your back like a baby possum. The search for your “Cosmic Cube” will just have to take a bit longer than you desire.”

“I don’t even need you for this. The abilities granted to me by my father’s Zero Fluid and my mother’s Contraxian heritage, combined with my sensory abilities from Tony Stark’s Symbiote-Energy Sump-powered Scanalyzer- why are you smirking?”

“Listen to yourself.”

Jack stared at the Paragon of Power, “Man, if you’re this reality’s version of Cap I feel sorry for America.”

“Your opinion is noted,” the pair flew in silence for a few moments, then, “There actually is a ‘Cap’ in the Parodyverse.”

“Really? What’s he like?”

“He’s a Libertarian,” Epitome noted darkly.

“Huh. But there’s no Parodyverse version of me?”

“No. You and your attire are wholly unique.”

Jack was ready with a stinging reply, but thought better of it. He had enough of a reputation as a hothead with his team mates; there was no reason to compound it by getting into a row with a former member of this world’s premier superhero group. Instead, he decided to use his Symbiote-Energy Sump-powered Scanalyzer powers to scan on-line to see exactly what the Parodyverse knew of the Jack of Hearts.

It took his enhanced brain four seconds to download every scrap of internet available data, and another six to process it.

They knew everything: His origin. His adventures. His future.

His deaths.

Dominic eased the yoke of the Epitome Express forward and brought the ship down under the cloud cover. They would be in Guatamalan airspace soon, so he flipped on the communicator to notify the country’s military that he was there on official government business. It was then he noticed Jack of Hearts’ hands were glowing with terrible energies.

“What’s wrong?” Epitome asked.

Jack turned. His face had the look of one who was haunted by the prospect of the gallows.

Then he exploded.

To be continued

Footnotes:

Instead of retelling the long, somewhat goofy history of Jack of Hearts, I’ll provide a link to the handy dandy Marvel Directory, which does the job quite nicely.

http://www.marveldirectory.com/individuals/j/jackofhearts.htm





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